I'm trying to find my happy place, but am struggling with this right now. I originally started this blog for wedding planning, then for our first year of marriage, now for digital scrapbook of our life. I would say our life is pretty close to perfect (in my eyes). Jim and I always see everything in a positive light and I like to think of us as pretty happy people. I never wanted my blog to be anything but happy, but I knew it wouldn't be a true scrapbook if I didn't express my feelings fully.
I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week. I am tearing up as I right this paragraph (I have erased it at least 10 times). My sweet sweet grandmother is not doing well at all. I don't handle situations like this very well, as I don't suspect anyone does. Being 4 hours away from my family has always been a struggle but now worse than ever. But we are buying a house next week??? Are we making the wrong decision??? I feel so guilty that I am not sitting next to my grandmother right now. I feel like I should be there with my mom, my aunt, my dad and my brother. They are all working so hard to keep grandmom comfortable and also carry on their everyday life....while I'm here doing nothing.
My grandmom was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease a few years. The only thing thus far that has really bothered her was the shaking. She has taken medicine for it and everything has been fine. Lately everything has gone downhill. I wish more than anything in this world I would've taken that prognosis more seriously. Not that I didn't believe it, but I never really thought it would take over her weak little body so quickly. I wish I would've traveled back home every weekend the minute we found out she had the disease. I want to spend more time with my precious grandmother but now I feel as if I'm too late.
She's already started to forget things and the disease has taken over her body so much that she doesn't even look the same. I don't want to remember her like this. I want to remember the fun grandmom that always baked the best pound cake and red velvet cake, the grandmom that always dressed perfectly and wanted nothing more than for her granddaughter to dress at the same caliber, the grandmom that I rushed home from college to visit (she lives next door to us) just so we could sit, talk and laugh, and the grandmom that would always tag along with my parents to come visit me at school and could hang with the best of em'. We would go to the mexican resturaunt and order margaritas and she would too! She would say "I'm feeling tingly". We would all just die laughing and say "you're getting a buzz grandmother". She would just giggle. Everytime I hugged her before they would leave she would always stuff money in my pocket and whisper "go buy you something pretty...whatever you want".
She is honestly one of the sweetest ladies I know. I'm sure many people can say that about their grandmothers and that is such a great thing. Grandparents are truly a blessing from above.
I am still struggling with finding peace between not wanting her to suffer and being selfish and wanting her here with me. I'm not ready for my grandmother to leave us quite yet. I know when she does leave she will have 1,000 jewels on her crown in Heaven. She will be with our Heavenly Father and will be reunited with her husband, my Pa. She will be so much happier than she ever thought she was here with us. She will definitely be missed, but I know she is the lucky one.