Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Happy Place...

I'm trying to find my happy place, but am struggling with this right now. I originally started this blog for wedding planning, then for our first year of marriage, now for digital scrapbook of our life. I would say our life is pretty close to perfect (in my eyes). Jim and I always see everything in a positive light and I like to think of us as pretty happy people. I never wanted my blog to be anything but happy, but I knew it wouldn't be a true scrapbook if I didn't express my feelings fully.


I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week. I am tearing up as I right this paragraph (I have erased it at least 10 times). My sweet sweet grandmother is not doing well at all. I don't handle situations like this very well, as I don't suspect anyone does. Being 4 hours away from my family has always been a struggle but now worse than ever. But we are buying a house next week??? Are we making the wrong decision??? I feel so guilty that I am not sitting next to my grandmother right now. I feel like I should be there with my mom, my aunt, my dad and my brother. They are all working so hard to keep grandmom comfortable and also carry on their everyday life....while I'm here doing nothing.



My grandmom was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease a few years. The only thing thus far that has really bothered her was the shaking. She has taken medicine for it and everything has been fine. Lately everything has gone downhill. I wish more than anything in this world I would've taken that prognosis more seriously. Not that I didn't believe it, but I never really thought it would take over her weak little body so quickly. I wish I would've traveled back home every weekend the minute we found out she had the disease. I want to spend more time with my precious grandmother but now I feel as if I'm too late.



She's already started to forget things and the disease has taken over her body so much that she doesn't even look the same. I don't want to remember her like this. I want to remember the fun grandmom that always baked the best pound cake and red velvet cake, the grandmom that always dressed perfectly and wanted nothing more than for her granddaughter to dress at the same caliber, the grandmom that I rushed home from college to visit (she lives next door to us) just so we could sit, talk and laugh, and the grandmom that would always tag along with my parents to come visit me at school and could hang with the best of em'. We would go to the mexican resturaunt and order margaritas and she would too! She would say "I'm feeling tingly". We would all just die laughing and say "you're getting a buzz grandmother". She would just giggle. Everytime I hugged her before they would leave she would always stuff money in my pocket and whisper "go buy you something pretty...whatever you want".



She is honestly one of the sweetest ladies I know. I'm sure many people can say that about their grandmothers and that is such a great thing. Grandparents are truly a blessing from above.



I am still struggling with finding peace between not wanting her to suffer and being selfish and wanting her here with me. I'm not ready for my grandmother to leave us quite yet. I know when she does leave she will have 1,000 jewels on her crown in Heaven. She will be with our Heavenly Father and will be reunited with her husband, my Pa. She will be so much happier than she ever thought she was here with us. She will definitely be missed, but I know she is the lucky one.

23 comments:

  1. Don't worry your Grandmother knows that you love her and she would probably rather have you enjoying your life and your exciting New Home!! than worrying about her. It's a really hard place to be in and I still miss my grandmother everyday but I know she's in a better place and at peace, and I always, always, always focus on our fun times instead of when she was sick. Sending prayers your way!

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  3. aw, your grandmother is so happy that you are so happy and living your new married life in another city...she wouldn't want anything different from you...she knows you love her and she will say goodbye when she doesn't want to fight anymore...just be happy that you have so many great memories and have had so much time together! I know it is easier said than done but the best thing you can do for her is stay positive! I will be praying for you and your family sweetie!

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  4. First of all, bless your sweet heart--I know what it's like to have a sick/ailing loved one. Our situations are different though--yours is your Grandmother, mine was my Mama......however, it's NEVER easy to watch a treasured and cherished loved one suffer even though we KNOW where they are going! It's like our head tells us one thing and our heart says another! I will be praying for you as this journey continues.......

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  5. I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you and your grandmother had a lot of wonderful times together, and you have amazing memories of her. I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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  6. So sorry to hear about your grandmother. I lost my grandfather to Parkinson's 6 years ago, and it is still hard at times to deal with the loss. But you are right, he is no longer suffering in heaven. My prayers are with you.

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  7. Oh Allison! Can I ever relate to this! My Papa had Parkinson's Disease as well. He was diagnosed when I was a tiny girl about 3-4. I never really got to know him like his other grandchildren, but none the less I have many special memories of him. It is so difficult seeing what the disease does to a person. I know you are very sad, and I don't think that it is a bad thing to blog about it. I try to keep my blog happy as well, but sometimes you need to get it all out. I for one feel better when I write it all down and get my thoughts out. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. It is difficult to handle things like this, but don't beat yourself up about not taking it serious enough. You are a good granddaughter I am sure, and I know you wish you could be there with your family right now, but they all understand why you have to be here. Lift them up in prayer because it is the best thing you can ever do! You are doing your part!

    Thinking and praying for you and yours,
    Jennifer

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  8. I've been a reader of your blog for a while, but don't usually comment. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch her go through this.. Just remember, her body down here is just a temporary, imperfect home. It sucks when our loved ones leave us behind, but we'll be with them again and when you are, she'll be your happy, healthy, whole grandma again.. I know it's got to be rough being so far away, but you're family knows you're constantly thinking of them.. Hugs to you girl at this tough time..

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  9. My sweet wonderful daughter in law. I am so sorry about everything as I have told you so many times. I am glad you are writing about it and sharing this part of your life on your blog- I love to read these heart felt comments from people that are following your "diary" - it helps to know that people - some you have never met- are helping you, too. You are amazing and Grandmother would not have anything any other way than it is right now -- she adores you and has always treasured your happiness. Loss is so very hard but remember, this life here is but a speck on the timeline of eternity and we are all preparing here for our eternal life - I see your Grandmother in your face, in your eyes, and know that you will share a part of her with everyone you meet. God Bless you.

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  10. 卡爾.桑得柏:「除非先有夢,否則一切皆不成。」共勉!............................................................

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  11. 一個人就像一個分數,他的實際才能是分子,他對自己的評價是分母。分母越大,則分數的價值越小。..................................................

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  12. 一個人的價值,應該看他貢獻了什麼,而不是他取得了什麼....................................................

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  13. 人生有如洶湧的波濤,如果沒有岩石的阻擋,怎能激起美麗的浪花?............................................................

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